LOS ANGELES: Pacific Coast Highway
Since the dawn of time men have looked at women as possessions, objects of desire, to be often at their beckon call. In today’s world, the modern chauvinist is still alive and kicking, perhaps even stronger than before. After recently chatting with fellow colleagues (some might designee the term assholes) on the topic of some obvious and not so obvious parallels between fast women and fast cars (which is to say not all women are fast, nor all cars for that matter – another similarity) we found some intense similarities. Let’s take a not so obvious look shall we?
Women, like cars, often require “financing” or a down payment. Credit is a HUGE bonus. If the buyer is unable to lay down all the cash up front, they must have a squeaky clean history. If not, interest rates on financing are subject to increase (read the fine print). Worst case scenario, he (the buyer) will lose his desired vehicle to another interested party. Now the down payment is typically non-refundable (at least when women are concerned). Whether purchasing a woman car (typo) or leasing her it, one must examine all of the options they desire. Believe me, there are MANY to consider.
IMPORT OR DOMESTIC (Foreign or American)
There are tons of brands out there these days and all of them seem to be imported into the USA. Very rarely does one find it necessary to travel abroad and find a woman vehicle of their choice. Many of the exotics and most attractive vehicles (classy) still come from Western Europe. They seem to have a lot of sex appeal for 1st time and repeat offenders (speed junkies). A widely accepted social illusion is owning a foreign vehicle, with sporty legs wheels, great body, with superb handling and style. It is no wonder guys enjoy driving them hard through windy turns and pushing their horsepower. They can last for decades with proper care (low wear and tear).
NEW OR USED (Never Married or Divorced)
New is probably a buyer’s best option. A previously owned vehicle (marriage) can be tricky. Dealers (girlfriends) will say anything to push that car off the lot. Especially when they see a potential scrupulous buyer who holds on to their vehicle for the long term. To be honest, you (sorry for using the 2nd person grammar form) never really know what is underneath the hood of a previously owned vehicle. There can be all sorts of hidden cracks, loose bolts and potential trouble ahead. You only find out after it’s broken and then a mechanic (psychiatrist) has to try and piece it all back together (very expensive by the hour). Once you get past the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. owner, there tends to be major problems. One could be left stranded roadside or even injured.
COMPACT OR FULL SIZED (Short or Tall)
This really depends on personal preference. Does the buyer find longer or larger cars more comfortable. Perhaps shorter or more compact is their preference. Compacts tend to be more maneuverable in bed (oops, another typo) on the road. The elegance of a longer, larger vehicle is also desirable. Everyday media platforms seem to publicize longer vehicles (and women) as being more glamorous and of a higher status. However, some of the most wild rides (according to a colleague) have been in smaller cars. Our panel of interviewees preferred longer vehicles or full sized. Most men over 6’1 go for taller longer. Of course, nothing too over-sized. After all, no one is looking to drive around in a bus.
SPORTS COUPE OR SEDAN (Wild or Down to Earth)
It comes down to, “are you looking for speed and fun? Or something for convenience and practicality?” If a buyer is looking to have a family, probably a two door isn’t for him. Typically a four door offers practicality in everyday life, less hassles and an overall general “smart feel” about the vehicle. Sport coupes are a different breed all together. You just feel “cool and dangerous” when you get behind her the wheel of one. There is a certain je ne sais quoi aspect of a two door. She It feels a bit more dangerous and wild. This in turn makes the driver-buyer sometime act a bit more impetuous. These actions can result in a driver landing up in a hospital. Sporty cars tend to have a lot of torque (torque definition: A twisting force that tends to cause rotation). Some women known as “freaks” have bedroom torque which gives drivers an intense rush behind their wheel.
FULL TECHNOLOGY PACKAGE (Brains)
A vehicle with a brain (woman too) is very attractive. Of course, an exterior look is the FIRST thing a buyer generally recognizes, on both counts. Let’s not pretend that anyone has made their purchase solely because of a leather interior. It’s not like someone walks with their friend to a dealer and says, “I’m really looking for the best steering wheel, seats and radio a car offers – that’s it.” No no no, guys want to look good and feel good in their vehicle. It always starts from the OUTSIDE and then works its way inward. Parking assist, rear camera navigation, self adjusting suspension, dynamic steering, are all amazing bonuses and can make the experience easier. Having all the bells and whistles and intelligence is important for many buyers. Others could care less provided she runs HOT, she handles well on all four, has nice curves or lines, responds to the drivers needs and doesn’t break down. Some drivers just want to stick it in 6th gear and push it to the limits (somewhat of a pun intended).
ENGINE TYPE (Materialistic Values)
Small cars can have big engines and big cars can have small engines. Depending on how much power or money you want to save, engine size does matter. There are 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 cylinder engines, electric motors and even hybrids. Much like a woman, larger the appetite for fuel, the more it will cost a driver to arrive at his desired destination or day to day life. More extravagant cars require a refill DAILY. Cowhide leather, luxury and fine detailing along the dashboard often let’s a driver know, he’s in a higher league. Fancy additions such as low profile wheels (not sure Louboutin makes wheels yet) or metallic paint add additional attraction and cost to vehicles. These women vehicles are the farthest thing from being dubbed as economical. If a budget calls for at least 35 miles per gallon, avoid these insatiable engines that require valet 99.9% of the time. Recently, hybrids have been showing up with some incredibly beautiful designs. In fact, most of the top desired “status symbol” manufacturers have rolled out hybrids that possess beauty and performance. (NOTE: 90% of all vehicles decrease in value over time. There is not a fine wine with age scenario going on here). Sexy and economical, good combination. Many don’t mind paying more for a at the “pump” because it’s all about look and feel. For some it is the pleasure of slipping inside and hearing that engine roar and feeling raw power of torque throwing them back (torque definition: A twisting force that tends to cause rotation).
MAINTENANCE (Availability)
Red, black, white, yellow, gas, diesel, electric or hybrid (even a bus) – they all require proper maintenance. Lack of attention or safeguarding the investment (make no mistake, both are an investment – good or bad is irrelevant) often results in stress on vehicles. Much like a woman, she can break down, take on wear and tear, lose performance ability or handling and ultimately (and ladies won’t appreciate this, but what the hell) need to be replaced. In my survey, nine out of ten assholes agree (unique survey) that all women and cars which have gone through an accident or “wrecked” (could be another driver’s fault), driven too harshly, NEVER maintained (no new tires, never an oil change, tune up, no dinners, flowers or fun) eventually end up BREAKING DOWN. In essence, maintenance is a responsibility to not be taken lightly nor overlooked. Take care of your woman car and she will take care of you. (Rebuilding the chassis is a different subject all together – sort of like plastic surgery).
MILEAGE (The Unknown Factor)
Stop and go traffic or city traffic is harshest on women cars. If you compare a New York car to a vehicle in Los Angeles, the difference between both becomes very apparent. New York autos are dinged, scratched (including the wheels), bumpers all messed up (paint from other cars) and exposed to extreme elements of nature. On the other coast, Los Angeles women cars are well maintained, detailed weekly, ride on smoother pavement and look good 90% of the time due to a softer environment. So mileage can be an unknown factor. Too much or high mileage, if in the city, could put a vehicle in its final stages (no amount of medication or visits to the psychiatrist will help). The same amount of miles on a freeway or more spread out area, is less damaging (less stop and go). Accident free is the best policy, as city driving is comprised of endless nano and micro fractions of accidents everyday. Difficult to notice on a daily basis as she slowly transforms. Only through looking back over a period of time does the buyer notice and then ponder, “What the hell happened? It’s a wreck.”
At the end of the day, most buyers will choose what he feels is right for him. We just hope he is fully insured, cautious on the road, takes time to shop around and test drive one that wets his appetite while providing safety. So many times we see “impulse buyers” that end up regretting the fact that they didn’t slow down and take their time. Everyone at some point runs into situations, flat tires and tickets. But knowing these minor mishaps are worth it, due to loving your vehicle, is something to be happy about. So enjoy the ride and make sure she comes with a healthy extended warranty bumper to bumper (working out and dieting). Could be the ride of your life!
THE END
